Ending the Fight LOA Style
Sunday night I found myself inventing new swear words as I planted grass seed alone while my sweetheart lingered on the golf course instead of upholding his promise to help with the job.
(Responsibility for grass growing and being AWOL with golfing are long standing issues at our house. I know it’s ridiculous but there it is.)
Lord knows how any of that seed is going to thrive with all the resentment it was planted with!
Anyway, in prepping for his return, deciding whether to let him have it now or wait till tomorrow when I’d (hopefully) cooled off a little, I knew what arguments he would use to defend himself. I knew what to say to prove him wrong. I knew how hot he would be that I was getting hot. And I knew that no one was more mad than me. And I knew the downward spiral we were about to take together.
Until he got home. And apologized.
Even seeing how mad I was (too mad to talk) didn’t trigger his defensiveness.
“I know. I blew it. I’m sorry.” He was genuine; not placative.
Even though I wouldn’t talk to him all night, he didn’t return my cold shoulder or shut doors harder than he should. Even when I did.
He simply wasn’t going there with me, while at the same time he didn’t blame me for being there myself.
We’ve never done that before.
You know, you just can’t have a proper fight with your sweetheart when they behave like this.
But it makes sense. Since like attracts like, when my sweetie is peaceful he can’t have an angry lover. Either I have to calm down, or I have to find someone who’ll match my anger. That’s how it works.
The reason I’m telling this story is because I think my sweetie’s response holds a clue to peace.
- We aren’t going to fight our way to it;
- we aren’t going to kill our way to it;
- we aren’t going to argue our way to it.
The only way to end the fight is to stop fighting. To embrace the feelings we want to feel – peace, unity, love – right now, before anything else changes.
Even when someone is slamming doors in our face.
If my sweetheart can do it, I can too. That’s two more joining the peaceful front.
Despite reports of celebration across the nation for Osama bin Laden’s death, I was encouraged by the number of U.S. facebook friends and colleagues sharing their opinion that death is not a cause for celebration.
I can find compassion, and empathy, and peace within me.
In fact, I’m also finding my way to the place where I don’t judge others for doing it different. For celebrating the death of an “enemy.”
Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
We don’t have to agree and we don’t have to worry when others have a different opinion.
All there is is for each of us to choose what we want.
Thanks to my sweetheart for reminding me that I can choose love.
Ming, I heard someone interviewed for Kate & Will’s wedding who was asked what advice he had for the bride. He said his advice was actually for the groom: When you realize you’re wrong, say so. When you realize you’re right, don’t say anything. lol Kind of a nice thought to remember to go along with the “would you rather be right or happy” question.
I just talked with a fellow attraction coach about the concept of justice. At first I was thinking when you don’t live in a world of judgment, you don’t have a sense of “justice.” But in the conversation it was revealed that justice is always present in the way that law of attraction is simply responding to your vibration.
In that sense, justice reins supreme!! hmm.
Ha Jeannette, have to admit didn’t see this one coming BUT how awesome your sweetheart wasn’t going there no matter how mad you got. Yay for choosing love and not just in having to be right:-).
The best thing in this post?
“”He simply wasn’t going there with me, while at the same time he didn’t blame me for being there myself.””
He didn’t enable you and neither did he blame you. He was just there with you. This is AWESOME!! This is true love and communication.
So proud of Russ and you 🙂
I read your comment to Mark. He smiled. He also loves that you call him “sweetheart” 🙂
Thanks, Tia. It’ll be interesting to see when roles are reversed if I can pull it off as well as he did. Although that sentence right there reminds me of the “We’ll see” post .. so I’ll switch that up to imagining myself handling it just as well as he did, although truth be told I can’t imagine I’ll get much practice at it.
Thanks for reading and for posting, girlfriend! 🙂
Tears of love and appreciation for flowing the peace and love. In my heart, I’m dancing in the street in celebration of you. Thank you xx
Aw, thank you, Janette! I’ll join you in ANY dance celebration! But especially this one.
Thanks again, my friend! 🙂
And the metaphor of it…I felt the same way about the OBL killing celebrations. I did not feel it was cause to celebrate either, and I wasn’t going there with the people who were, but I didn’t blame them for celebrating either.
It’s all in how we view it and what we value. I made the justice versus mercy analogy as well. I value mercy over justice, even as a lawyer. Especially as a lawyer.
It’s a big challenge for a “superpower” to choose peace when it judges and has control issues. It’s tough to wrap foreign policy minds around that concept. It sure would be an amazing LOA experiment to see if that would solve world issues, though. I believe it would. Today our headline in our local paper was, “THE WORLD IS SAFER” in bold letters. As I walked by it I laughed to myself and affirmed, “The world is safe.” Then I said, “The world is peaceful” and “the world is a loving place.” I repeated those things all the way up to my office where I met my next client.
Bravo to Russ, btw! And Bravo to you for being aware, and for also honoring your feelings. Let’s intend that your grass will grow in that love. 😉
That sure wasn’t my first reaction, Dana. I’ve got a mantra activated that I really ought to change soon … and found myself repeating it again in watching the celebrations: “What’s WRONG with people?!” (Usually reserved for stories I hear from animal rescue friends about their latest fosters and how they came to be in the shelters.)
But it did feel odd to be in judgment of people who were happy. Which is when I realized it would serve me to check my judgment.
Love your mantras, Dana, and may be joining you in them this week. 🙂
For the record I agree 110% AND you two are creating your own miracles…
Thank you for the mention though!
Seriously, Lisa, our world isn’t the same since we started getting quality time with you. I knew I was in good hands with you, but what’s unfolding is exceeding all expectations.
Words can’t express my appreciation.
Absolutely beautiful! And brilliant ;). What an ideal way to conduct ALL relationships – friends, enemies, family, clients, sweethearts…
You have a very good guy there!! And of course he is a very, lucky guy as well!!
Of course you’re right, Lisa. Practicing this across the board would be a beautiful way to go through life, huh? I’ll enjoy visions of that.
Thanks for reading and especially for popping in to share your thoughts, my friend. 🙂
I don’t have anything to say other than that post was incredible. What a beautiful lesson!
Thanks, Jessica. I always think twice about sharing such personal info, especially when it involves someone else who might not be excited to share so publicly, but this one seemed important enough to get over it.
I appreciate your response confirming I was on the right track with it. 🙂
Hi Jeanette, you have a nice way writing about the issues that are so important , in a “simple” everydaylife style. I enjoyed reading, thank you!
PS. I try to remember this with my wife!!
Been there, experienced that with my sweetie! When he does it, it’s like what?! We’re playing the game this way now? Cool!! After a few seconds of “Oh, we’re playing the game in an upgraded way” adjusting to the situation I’m totally loving even the confict that caused it in the first place.
And when I do it, when I’ve made peace with the situation- it is what it is and I screwed up, then I really don’t mind him being upset at all. He’s free to be as he wants until he realized it’s no longer necessary. It’s quite a different dynamic than we were taught and I for one love it!
As for death being a cause of celebration, I think they are celebrating their relief, not a death, even if they don’t realize it so I’m totally OK with it. Whatever floats their boat is my thinking as well. I for one feel nothing towards him, because I really don’t know him. I only know my thoughts and other’s ABOUT him.
Tp put the celebration of someone’s death into a different context, I remember my mom telling me that our Romanian ancestors (The Thracians) used to celebrate when people died because they saw it as a release from the troubles of being alive and they mourned when someone was born into the world. I remember always thinking it was very wise of them, although I wouldn’t morn people coming into life either.
Thank you for bringing up the subject of peace these days. What a relief!
I agree that now, as an adult, if I have no one to fight with, I give up easily. But when I was younger, it would make even angrier because I hate being ignored. Very interesting…..
I guess the fight may end faster if the person angry in the first place already loves themselves. Self-love + no repercussion = peace. I like that!
Your right, fighting begets fighting. Like attracts like. That’s why I can’t understand slogans like the war on drugs, poverty, obesity etc.
I think of this quote from Mother Theresa
I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.
Great post! Thank you. I was so inspired by it I made my number one goal today to be peaceful – no matter what. I had the most wonderful positive peaceful day! I painted happily & spent the evening with a close friend meditating. Ah the power of intention!
Jeannette, once again I’m reminded of working with animals here…
When I was learning to ride horses, one of the most important things I learned was, “Don’t Engage.”
When you’re high on the back of a 1000 pound creature with only a helmet between your skull and the hard ground below, you learn to manage your emotional state pretty quickly.
And when your horse starts to tense up, resisting your requests and acting dangerous, the only thing that you can do to help the situation is… relax.
Because when you relax…
— you remember your skills
— you give in to your body, which knows what to do
— your horse feels it and begins to relax too
I’m still a scaredy-cat rider, but I know this concept in my bones now. It’s **not easy** to do in the middle of tension and fear, but it works.
This is true for dogs and cats, too. When your dog is hyper, how do you calm him down? By calming yourself. When you’re petting your cat’s belly and she grabs your hand in all five of her pointy parts, you don’t yank back, you nudge yourself further in until she lets go.
So, it sounds like Russ gets some kudos for taking energetic leadership here… and you get huge kudos for seeing that truth.
Now, I’m looking at how my life would change if I thought of my business as a horse who needs me to quiet my mind and deepen my seat, because when I do that, I always know what to do and how…
Big love, and thanks for this lesson.
Thanks Jeannette for sharing something so personal to help us understand our relationships better! *Big hugs* It takes a lot of courage and you inspire me.
It seems like this vibe has been flowing around lately for me as well. How can two individuals co-exist and co-create when it seems like they have separate priorities? I have looked at this quite a bit when it comes to my marriage. I have felt like the brunt of the responsibilities were laid upon me, while he’s doing whatever he pleases. I wanted to scream at him – I WANT TO DO WHAT I PLEASE. Of course, being LOA saavy, he says, you can do whatever you like. But what I truly want is for him to WANT to help me and ease any burden I may have. It’s such a catch 22…lol
When I am feeling the fury and anger and I perceive he is causing it, I remember something Jeannette wrote a few months back: “When you love someone, you are a champion for their happiness.” How can I let anyone in the world cause me such horrible feelings? Especially someone I love. It’s truly my choice. If he’s not holding up some portion of a bargain, then its his loss.
Thank you for sharing this story. This weekend, my boyfriend bailed on me the day we were supposed to be preparing for a BBQ with new friends.
He took off at 10, returned at 1:30, our new friends were due to arrive at 2pm. He wanted to explain, but even though I was furious I calmly told him that I was too stressed to give his explanation a chance and too busy to really listen so it would have to wait. He wasn’t happy, but he backed off.
I didn’t want our friends to arrive in the midst of that stress, so I laughed it off. This is just like my boyfriend to think he can tackle 10 things when he only has time for two. At least he knew he screwed up and he won’t make the mistake again.
And next time he’ll be planning the BBQ 🙂